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The Pallas Athena Advice Show,
Live at the Acropolis, 4th century BC

Welcome back to the show, folks. I'm Athena, your host today and, if I might add, guardian goddess of this fine little city named after me, Athens, thank you very much. We're taking a little break from our regularly-scheduled programming following the adventures of Odysseus for this very special opportunity that we have today, sponsored by the Greek Olive Oil Company. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, viewers of all ages, I want to welcome you to our faaaaabulous talk show, "The Pallas Athena Advice Show."

This show gives you ALL the juicy details about the deep, personal lives of our guests AND gives our studio audience the opportunity to give our guests advice! Our show's motto is: "I am Athena, the goddess of wisdom: of COURSE your problems can be solved!" [studio sign lights up: Applause! Applause!Applause!] But now, on a serious note, I first want to deliver a message to my guests on last week's show: this is directed to Dionysos, god of wine and revelry, and Pan, the shepherd-god. [looks straight into camera with piercing gray eyes] Dionysos, I see you brought along the Maenads, who flew into a mad frenzy when Pan played his pipes. I want you to understand that we WILL be seeking compensation for the families of the men in our audience whom the Maenads tore to pieces during their mad fits. Further, we WILL be pressing charges for the damage that Pan's goat hooves created in our studio. [turns back to the studio audience, smiling]

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for larger view
Live from the Acropolis...
Now back to our studio audience, and thanks to the rest of you for tuning in. We're broadcasting live from the Acropolis, 152 meters high above the bustling city of Athens and well-known to our viewers throughout the Hellenistic world as the most important monument in the West! Because the Oracle of Delphi officially declared this place "province of the gods" in 510BC, it's off-limits to humans except for special holidays like the Great Panathenaic Festival (coming next month (November), with live coverage by this station, don't miss it!). So, right now I'm not seeing many mere mortals in our audience, but we do have some lesser-known gods, as well as some heroes and heroines. I see Theseus here, stand up and take a bow, Theseus, honey. Thanks so much for slaying the Minotaur for us, we have some carvings of you right behind me here in the Parthenon. We also have the six lovely ladies, the Caryatids, holding up the southern side of the Erechtheion temple across from us. Why don't you sweeties give yourselves a big hand ---oops, I forgot, some of your arms have broken off, sorry girls. The Erechtheion is the most sacred site here, and where I brought forth the olive tree for Athens, my favorite city. I also see Helios, with his chariot that's carrying the sun. It's a bit bright, Heely-baby, maybe you could put a blanket over that so our guests don't have to squint. Thanks to all of you heroes and heroines for your bravery.

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A member of the studio audience
I see that it's time now for us to start our show. [studio signlights up: Applause! Applause! Applause!] Now, I have some very special guests here today. As you know, I have issues with having my family members appear on the show. Some of our faithful viewers will remember last year when my father, the God Zeus, agreed to come on. He and the Goddess Hera got into an argument while onstage about if they were more a husband-and-wife pair, or more a brother-and-sister team. I had to explain to them that they're both. BUT, the studio here got damaged with Zeus throwing his thunderbolts everywhere. I know, I know, in my omniscient wisdom, I realize that the Persians ALREADY burned all these buildings to the ground in 480 BC, and that Pericles rebuilt them all during the Golden Age. Can you viewers at home believe that the whole Parthenon, all 17 columns on the sides and 8 columns on the ends, with 92 friezes, 44 statues, and a ceiling painted starry-blue, was completed in 9 years, in time for my Great Panathenaic Festival in 438 BC? But knowing all the structures here got pretty badly damaged in the years around 2000 AD, due to the acid rain, I want to keep the place as clean as I can, you know? Anyway, to prevent supernatural damage from happening again, I try not to have close relatives come on the show. Or if they do come on, I have them sit farther away, in that central hall of the Propylaia, near the middle of the five maingates of the entrance, so as to minimize the damage.

Athena Dossier, found in the G-files Case Log #73509

Born: ? BC

Occupation: Greek Goddess


Symbols: owl, suit of armor, olive tree

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Athena's 'hootin' mascot

Protectorate City: Athens, particularly the Acropolis, which is dedicated to her worship

Parents: Father--Supreme God Zeus, Mother--none known

Circumstances surrounding birth: Zeus, suffering from a terrible headache, was surprised when Athena burst forth from his head, fully grown and clothed in a helmet, armor and carrying a spear. Hephaestus present for the "birth"

Eyes: Described as Gray

Hair: Usually hidden under a helmet; the Athena Polias statue, in the Parthenon at the Acropolis, shows her in a helmet (symbol of war) decorated with a sphinx on top and griffins on either side

Clothing: long, flowing robes; armor

Accessories: Spear, shield, helmet

Stature: Athletic

Marital Status: Single, no significant other

Power Rating: High

Special skills: omniscient (all-knowing), can ride a chariot, will fight in battles but prefers to settle disputes peacefully

Current home: Mt. Olympus

Favorite hero: Odysseus, the Trickster
Nicknames: Gray-eyed Athena, O Wise Athena, Protectoress of Athens, WarriorAthena, Pallas Athena

Last sighting: Unknown

Brief Synopsis: Athena is known as one of the more powerful goddesses.The circumstances of her birth are related in most tales of Greek mythology:Zeus is listed as her parent under our files. Known as usually being fair, just, and willful, she is also known to have taken sides, for instance during the Trojan War. Myths where she plays a central part: The story of the Apple of Discord, the story of the Odyssey, the story of the founding of Athens.

They don't call me the goddess of wisdom for nothin', you know. "OF COURSE your problems can be solved!" is our motto. [Applause! Applause! Applause!] Come to think of it, though, in 1687 AD, there IS a big explosion in the Propylaia when a gunpowder store ignites and sets the whole place on fire, that's the gunpowder of the Turks, the Ottoman Empire is in charge then... Oh, but I'm rambling here. Okay folks, you know I know everything. Being the goddess of wisdom gets me in trouble sometimes. I just want to look out for these lovely statues of me everywhere, and not let them get burned or damaged. I know by the year 1999 AD there isn't a trace of any of them, but, cameras, can you get a good shot of those? [camera pans out] There's the lovely Athena Promachos statue [long camera shot] can you see me holding my shield and my spear? Let's get another shot of the Athena Polias statue, the reason why the Parthenon is built: that's a beauty, isn't it? [camera zooms through to interior of Parthenon] It's one of the wonders of the ancient world, you know, almost 12m high. Look at the beautiful dress I'm wearing there, it's made of gold, and my face made out of ivory with jewels for the eyes. I'm carrying a small statue of nike, the goddess of victory, as well my spear. Just luscious, isn't it? I love it!

Okay, I feel Eros in the house. Thanks Eros, god of love, for that warm and fuzzy glow. But okay, back to our special show, we're here at the Acropolis, and my guests today are relatives of mine. I know I'm breaking one of my rules but both of them agreed to behave while they're down here away from their palace at Mt Olympus. The first guest helped at my birth and is the god of iron and craftsmanship. He'll be bringing his hammer and anvil, tools of his trade. He walks with a slight limp, so I hope you'll be patient, he's walking up the hill right now. We also have his beautiful wife, who's the goddess of romance, and a beautiful goddess, indeed. The question today for our show revolves around this goddess's MAGIC GIRDLE, which makes everyone fall in love with whoever is wearing it. [serious look, as Athena faces the camera] Is this just? Is this fair? Is it right to wear this magical item or should it be kept for display purposes only?

Oh, but it looks like it's time for a break. So, stay tuned, we'll be right back with our two guests after this public-service announcement. Don't turn the channel, and remember, this is "The Pallas Athena Advice Show," we're live at the Acropolis, and "I am Athena, the goddess of wisdom: of COURSE your problems can be solved!"[Applause! Applause! Applause!]


p.s. - Please e-mail me at

Abeja - Olive the Greek History You Ever Need to Know!
Kavitha - The Ancient Olympics: The Earliest "Time Out!"
Making a Difference - The Parthenon
Making a Difference - Just Do It

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